BOOT PATROL

The Boot Patrol was the police organization employed by Gladys The Evil One in Witchville. Headed by Sergeant MacGuffin, the Boot Patrol was literally a platoon of gigantic, living leather army boots. When Festeron became Witchville, the boots would begin their rounds, arresting curfew violators. These criminals were thrown into an especially smelly boot and carried to the lobby of the Police Station to await sentence by MacGuffin (they were thrilled of the usual sentence, tossing prisoners into the shark-infested waters of the bay). The lead boot was an especially tall boot. Due to rules laid down between the three sisters (Y'Gael, Hortense, Gladys), the Boot Patrol was forbidden from entering both the cemetery and the underground caverns.

In 1157 GUE, the first postman was captured by these boots and cast into the sea to be eaten by sharks. An army of thousands of seahorses came to the postal worker's rescue, as well as causing the entire Patrol to slip into the water and be eaten by these sharks instead.

Though other Boot Patrols have been seen since, by the reign of Simon the Postman, Sergeant MacGuffin's police organization had been replaced with a squad of 24 men, his own son, Brad MacGuffin as their head. This enforcement unit was the nastiest group of enforcers anyone was ever likely to meet. They wore trooper uniforms, complete with the highly polished riding boots and striped jodhpurs, leather jackets, policemen’s caps and those kinds of highly-reflective sunglasses that prevents an onlooker from seeing behind. Only the jackets were not standard trooper issue—they sported far too many chains. They marched at goodly clip, six lines of them, four men across, with the four at the corner all holding torches to light the way. All curfew violators were dumped, head first, into a six-foot-high (non-living) boot. Arms and legs were strapped to the leather interior, then the boot’s side was zipped up to the top so that the prisoner was completely enclosed in the dark. It was this method that criminals were delivered to the Sergeant.

Eventually Sergeant MacGuffin realized that twenty-four men had been to ungainly, for they had too much time off and too much leisure in which to think. Thus he took every second one, had those twelve lined up against a wall, and had them shot. It was a simple solution that kept them in line and the dozen remaining were more effective alone than the twenty-four.

In the days of Simon the Postman, during the first Witchville curse he thwarted, the Boot Patrol was ordered to violate the long-established rules by pursuing both Simon and Mr. Sneed into the cemetery where several of the troopers were snatched away by eldritch vapors. Further overstepping its bounds by entering the underground caverns, the remainder of the squad found themselves entirely devoured by Amy Sue Grue, who Simon had managed to befriend beforehand. It is unknown whether Sergeant MacGuffin found any sort of replacement (boots, humans, other monsters) for his Boot Patrol.

Though the Festeron Boot Patrol had been no more, frequent posses of “Renegade” Boot Patrols have been located across Zork. These autonomous boots obey no master.


COMPILATION OF BOOT PATROL MARCHING SONG VERSES
The Boot Patrol is full of starch,
Witchville’s finest on the march!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol is such a rush,
For all free will we soon shall crush!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol’s the place for me,
Let’s all hear it for tyranny!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol is really neat,
It you meet us, you’re in defeat!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol can always lick them!
See! We’ve found another victim!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol has passed the test,
For you are now under arrest!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol is so sublime!
They’ll beat you up at any time!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol makes people gulp,
Before it grinds them into pulp!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol will never lack,
For we shoot people in the back!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol is so sublime
For we can catch you any time!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol—no ifs or buts,
Is coming to rip out your guts!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol is on the way—
There is no hope. You’d better pray!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol’s by far the best;
We’ll smash your skull and leave the rest!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol will take a slice,
What we can’t cut, we then will dice!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol will take shot,
When we get done you’ll leak a lot!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol will take a stab,
And rid you of unsightly flab!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol has got a hunch;
We’re going to make you lose your lunch!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol will make you gulp,
The beat you to a bloody pulp!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol has quite a sting,
And we can handle anything!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!

The Boot Patrol is on a spree,
So watch out now ‘cause we’re—aaiee!
Sound off! One, two!
Sound off! Three, four!
Sound off! One, two, three, four!
Three-four!


The last two of these verses were part of a twenty-eight verse capture song:

We caught a guy in a suit!
Who was smoking an old cheroot!
He tried to run,
But we caught him for fun,
And then we gave him the Boot!
The Boot! The Boot! The Boot!

We caught a girl with a flute!
On which she was tempted to toot!
Take music, she said,
But we took her instead!
And then we gave her the Boot!
The Boot! The Boot! The Boot!