PIERPONT FLATHEAD, Dauntless Banker and Financier
J. Pierpont Flathead was the fifth son in his family, born in 730 GUE. As a child, J. Pierpont
demonstrated both the flair for capitalism and the resourcefulness
which would make him the most successful banker in all of Quendor. The
enterprising eight-year-old opened a lemonade stand in the center of
Egreth Village, using the royal militia to force citizens to buy the
lemonade. At spearpoint, most people were willing to pay little J.
Pierpont's exorbitant price of 300 zorkmids per glass. Ice was extra.
also used the militia to quash the other lemonade stands in the city,
and later to shut off all other beverage sources as well. As the prices
at his lemonade stand soared into quadruple digits, J. Pierpoint
quickly realized the benefits of monopolies. In 749, at the age of
nineteen, J. Pierpont became a clerk at the Bank of Zork. Six weeks
later, following a rash of disappearances of his successive bosses, J.
Pierpont became the youngest Chairman of the Board in the bank's
history, a testament to his financial acumen.
As Chairman, he
used his royal connections to eliminate all competing banks, increasing
the Bank of Zork's market share from 99.2% to 100%. (He was later able
to increase this number to 131% by encouraging customers to deposit
their money several times.) He also supervised the installation of the
latest magic-based security techniques to guard the bank's vault and
deposit box areas. For unknown reasons, J. Pierpont hired exclusively
gnomes to fill his teller and security positions.
J. Pierpont Flathead also pursued the unusual
hobby of giving away, anonymously, the sum of one million zorkmids — to
persons he had never even met. He did this twice, as a matter of fact,
and then suddenly realized how stupid he was being. So he sent his four
largest and most persuasive henchmen to visit the beneficiaries, and
thereby recovered most of what he had given away. From then on, his motto
became "A penny earned is mine."
noteable events in the live of J. Pierpont is the writing of his
outrageous autobiography titled, "I'm Rich and You Aren't - So There!"
the 100,000 zorkmid bill, which only one of such bill was ever
printed at his personal request.
Flathead served as the Chairman of the Board until his odd
disappearance in 789 GUE, when he entered one of the bank's vaults and
never re-emerged. Although gone, he is not forgotten; reproductions of
his portrait still hang in every branch of the Bank of Zork. In fact,
one of these portraits, from the ruins of the Flatheadia branch,
was taken in 948 GUE by the Second Dungeon Master and given as payment
for the services of a wicked demon.
corpse was later placed in the Tomb of the Twelve Flatheads and his
skull upon a pole outside the same crypt by the "Keeper of the
Dungeon." Although dead, the Twelve Flatheads foresaw that some cretin
might tamper with their remains. Therefore, they took steps to punish
trespassers with a curse. It is assumed that his remains are
still there to this day.
IMAGE01: Portrait of J. Pierpont, one of the Treasures of Zork