SEBASTIAN FLATHEAD, Musical Genius
Johann Sebastian Flathead was born in 728 GUE. In 732 GUE, the
Frobozz Philharmonic Orchestra was formed. Because of the woeful lack
of orchestral music in existence, the FPO usually settled for playing
baroque versions of old folk tunes and popular dance numbers. Seven
years later, the FPO performed their first symphony. The piece was
notable because of the age of its author, a precocious eleven-year-old
named Johann Sebastian.
As he matured, Johann's symphonies
increased in length, while his audiences mysteriously decreased in
size. (No reasonable postulation has been made to explain Johann's lack
of popularity. It is the belief of this author that the short attention
span of the general public precluded it from sitting still for the
whole of one of his symphonies.) His Symphony #981, the so-called
Infinite Symphony, contained over 60,000 movements; over the course of
its only performace, several members of the orchestra retired and were
replaced by their children or grandchildren.
a kindred spirit in his younger brother, and appointed him official
court composer in 771. Later that year, he wrote his famous "Flatheadia
Overture for Rack and Pendulum" to celebrate the dedication of Dimwit's
new dungeon. He spent his latter years composing music for ever more
grandiose instruments, such as his "Concerto for Woodwinds and
For the royal elite, more classical styles of music were in vogue. The
most famous of these works is the "Toccata and Fugue and Theme and
Variations, Opus No. 69105" by Johann Sebastian Flathead, commissioned
by Lord Dimwit the Excessive. The piece was only performed
once in its entirety, in 787. Legend has it that several members of the
98,000-piece royal orchestra, chorus, corps de ballet, artillery
battery, fireworks brigade, and smoke effects crew failed to survive
the eighty-seven day ordeal.
Johann was killed on 14
Mumberbur 789 when a mishap occurred during a rehearsal of his Minuet for Violin and Volcano.
corpse was later placed in the Tomb of the Twelve Flatheads and his
skull upon a pole outside the same crypt by the "Keeper of the
Dungeon." Although dead, the Twelve Flatheads foresaw that some cretin
might tamper with their remains. Therefore, they took steps to punish
trespassers with a curse. It is assumed that his remains are
still there to this day.
Other pieces composed by Johann include, "Air on a Grue String."