FLATHEAD, Legendary Murderess or Innocent Widow?
"A good lawyer is much better than a good husband."
Of all the Twelve Flatheads, it is most difficult to separate history
from legend when studying Lucrezia, the only sister to eleven
aggressive brothers born in 735 GUE. Showing a total lack of
understanding for her delicate position, detractors have cruelly tried
to claim that Lucrezia had a warped mind.
751 GUE, at the tender age of sixteen, Lucrezia married a very rich but
very old nobleman from Gurth, Marcus Bzart-Foodle. Ten-and-a-half
months later, he died in bed with his bride. Afterward, Bzart-Foodle's
doctor could not recall whether he had warned Lucrezia to avoid
over-exciting her husband's weak heart.
husband, a wealthy land baron from Mareilon named Oddzoe Glorb III, was
found dead just five weeks after the wedding, his body mangled by
hellhounds. It was quite understandable that Lucrezia had her
multi-volume hellhound training manual removed from the house at once;
the sight of it must have brought back tragic memories.
days later, Lucrezia sought consolation in a third marriage, to the
Governor of Antharia, Hirax Mumbleton. Only two days after that,
Antharia was without a governor. Hirax had been discovered in his
office, smothered under a ton of raw granola. His sobbing widow
immediately cancelled delivery of her daily truckloads of granola, in
order to avoid any similar tragedies.
After her next fifteen
husbands, all wealthy lords, died in their wedding nights (each husband
being grueseomly killed in increasingly bizarre accidents), royal
insiders reported that she was so distraught by her tragic string of
bad luck that she was becoming dangerously suicidal. Fearing her
suicide, the uber-widow was imprisoned in a cell in the dungeon by her
elder brother Dimwit. Though it pained the king dearly, he had only
done so for her only safety. She languished in that cell for the
remaining fifteen years of her life. During that period, in search of
comforting for her misery, Lucrezia had an insatiable fondness for
prison guards. Coincidently, 1,800 prison guards were mysteriously
poisoned in the years following her imprisonment.
wasn’t a prison guard for whom she felt her deepest love; it was a
fellow inmate, who had been imprisoned for his flagrant overuse of
magic without proper consent by the Enchanter’s Guild (but he had not
been imprisoned until being arrested for refusing to attend Dimwit’s
ridiculous coronation). Though he could have easily freed himself from
any prison, he fell madly in love with Lucrezia. The two met frequently
during Lucrezia’s imprisonment in the Flatheadia dungeon. Surprisingly,
the visiting wizard did not die. He counted himself lucky to have used
a long life spell on himself just before meeting Lucrezia, given her
history of perpetual widow-hood.The union between Lucrezia Flathead and
the unknown enchanter produced a child, Lucille Flathead.
legends say that Lucrezia’s death on 14
Mumberbur 789 was self-inducted. But this is contrary to other, most
likely, reports. The Flathead widow had angered her own people, and the
House of Flathead was not, by nature, forgiving. Not even an enchanter
was able to protect Lucrezia from the hired guns charged with
dispatching the murderess to the Great Beneath. When Lucrezia met her
final misfortune—a secret execution—the enchanter, of whose child she
bore, made a daring escape soon after with their child in tow. He
spirited the young Lucille away to the recesses of the deepest
underground, known only as The Dark—a network of catacombs beneath the
took all he could do to protect the child from the terrible curse on
the House of Flathead—and only when he was certain that the child was
to be spared, the enchanter disappeared, completely sapped of his
powers. He was last seen in the general direction of Miznia, near
Gurth. Rumor had it he had fallen to work as a lowly miner, perhaps
having started another family, bit he had never been heard from again.
corpse was later placed in the Tomb of the Twelve Flatheads and her
skull upon a pole outside the same crypt by the "Keeper of the
Dungeon." Although dead, the Twelve Flatheads foresaw that some cretin
might tamper with their remains. Therefore, they took steps to punish
trespassers with a curse. It is assumed that her remains are still
there to this day.
long dead, Lucrezia Flathead was insane enough and famous enough to be
seen as the inspiration for the modern Quendoran scientific study of