WALDO FLATHEAD, The Poet of the Empire
An unspoken Flathead family motto was "quantity over quality," and
no one demonstrated that tenet better than Ralph Waldo, born in 737
GUE. During his 40-plus years of putting pen to parchment, he wrote 912
novels, 4,000 short stories, and an incredible 87,000 sonnets. His
essays have never been successfully counted.
Ralph Waldo spent
eleven years at Antharia University, collecting a chestful of degress,
including three doctorates: Doctor of Idyllic Poetry, Doctor of
Excellent Elegies, and Doctor of Octameter Odes. He was very proud of
his academic accomplishments, and always signed his name "Ralph Waldo
Flathead, D.I.P., D.E.E., D.O.O."
Fresh out of college and
flush with the enthusiasm of youth, Ralph Waldo wrote a series of
lengthy essays which he hoped would uplift the human spirit. Sadly and
inexplicably, these essays lifted little more than the profits of the
Frobozz Magic Writing Paper Company. The essays from this period
include "On the Benefits of Keeping Ears Clean" and "Why Doorknobs are
Necessary." Also during this period, he wrote "On the Discoloration of
Roadside Slush," but the manuscript was lost before it could be
published, leaving Ralph Waldo disconsolate for years.
his middle years, Ralph Waldo spent nearly half a decade living in the
granola mines of Antharia. It was during this period that he wrote his
longest work, a 60,000-verse epic about the varieties of moss that one
finds in granola mines. Toward the end of his life, Ralph Waldo
specialized in exploring related themes, as brilliantly demonstrated by
the four sonnets found by his deathbed:
Sonnet #87,177 "Ode to a Tiny Moist Avocado Pit"
Sonnet #87,178 "Ode to Another Tiny Moist Avocado Pit"
Sonnet #87,179 "Ode to Two Tiny Moist Avocado Pits"
Sonnet #87,180 "Ode to Two Still-Tiny-But-Less-Moist Avocado Pits"
Ralph Waldo died on 14
Mumberbur 789 GUE. An autopsy revealed that the cause of death was an overdose of avocados.
corpse was later placed in the Tomb of the Twelve Flatheads and his
skull upon a pole outside the same crypt by the "Keeper of the
Dungeon." Although dead, the Twelve Flatheads foresaw that some cretin
might tamper with their remains. Therefore, they took steps to punish
trespassers with a curse. It is assumed that his remains are
still there to this day.