When Satchmoz the Incomparable came to Borphee in 665 GUE to celebrate the three year old boy Berknip, who had already discovered five new spells, he was a willowy stick of a man with a shining bald head and old, darkly glittering eyes above a fishhook nose. He was acustomed to wearing his blue robe and cloak with voluminous sleeves and hood. Although he had learned to play the trumpet in his early days, he was awfully good at using magic to ty people's shoelaces together (he did not even need a scroll for that one--he had it memorized.)  As RADNOG was not in his normal repertoire, he was inexperienced with it. After his involvement in the exposure of Pseudo-Duncanthrax, Satchmoz was appointed as the true king's court wizard. In those days, he wrote countless memoirs, many of which have still been handed down to us, before beginning down the heretical road of alchemy.

In 665 GUE, Krepkit had called many wizards to Borphee to celebrate the child Berknip, who had the mere age of three had already discovered five new spells. Satchmoz believed that this boyu could potentially give magic back tot he world. But the schemes of Pseudo-Duncanthranx soon placed these achievements on hold. For in that same year, the Antharia Armada attacked Fort Griffspotter. Although the king was victorious, it was only the first battle of the bloddiest war ever waged on Zork.

The plan of Pseudo-Duncanthrax involved using the wizards of the kingdom as weapons, but they refused. Knowing that the child Berknip was the heart and soul of their guild, Pseudo-Duncanthrax took him prisoner. His ransom for the return of their precious magician was their cooperation in the upcoming battle against Antharia. The wizards would have done anything for Berknip and anything to protect him. All of their attempts to rescue him with AIMFIZ failed. And though they did not like Pseudo-Duncanthrax any more than any other ruthless king, but while he held Berknip hostage, he commanded their loyalty. Thus the ships were loaded with the wizards, Satchmoz being one of them, aboard a battle bireme known as the Screaming Queen.

When the fleet sailed south past the shore of Mauldwood, they were attacked by a dreaded sea serpent. 
The prow of the Quendoran bireme they were upon had been fashioned in the likeness of one of the fearsome serpents, that from a distance, no doubt appeared real. The real sea serpent had found the prow of the bireme to be an attractive mate. The fearful prisoners attempted to break free of their bonds while the soldiers battled the serpent with ineffective weapons. When they failed, Satchmoz VAXUMed the aquatic beast, hoping to subdue it. This was in terrible error, as casting VAXUM upon an already friendly creature makes it affectionate. Thus the serpent fell madly in love with the prow, coiling around it, ripping it away, and departing into the sea with the prize. The Screaming Queen was left to sink.

Satchmoz found himself hanging onto the rope of a floating galley drum along with two other survivors, Caspar Wartsworth and Sunrise.The three swam to the shore of Mauldwood where they spent the night around a RADNOGed campire after Satchmoz REZROVed Caspar's manacles and shared a BERZIO potion. They debated whether to travel to Mithicus or to return to Borphee. Knowing that if everyone presumed he had drowned with the Screaming Queen, Satchmoz realized that no one would be watching him and he could thus be successful at freeing Berknip from prison.

While continuing to debate, they were ambushed by a clan of ten kobolds. A quick battle forced the three to flee separate ways and spend the entire night isolated from one another. The next morning Satchmoz reunited with them when he AIMFIZed to their location.

The party agreed to return to Borphee. Knowing the dangers of Mauldwood, they headed north along the shore to avoid entering the forbidding trees. This evasion forced them to trudge through a swampy delta. Satchmoz slipped into an unseen drop-off, and while trying to help him out, Caspar too fell in. Due to the combination of all the hazards of the swamp, the party, defeated, reluctantly chose to enter Mauldwood instead of continuing through the muck.

The evil enchantment of the forest permeated them, and by the next day the symptoms were becoming transparent—the rude and ill-tempered behavior was beyond evident. As they followed a stream, the companions grew more paranoid, angry, queer, and frightful by the effects of the woods. Arguments and quarrels were born—one led Sunrise to attack Caspar. While fighting, Caspar held the boy’s head underwater as his arms flailed. Satchmoz laughed—the disturbing enjoyment of their conflict restored some sanity to Caspar. He pulled Sunrise out of the water, begging forgiveness. That was when they all realized that it was Mauldwood’s evil enchantment that had been affecting them. To counter the effects of the forest, they fought off the evil influence with forced joviality and fun, but eventually they had a true cause for joy—for they stumbled upon an unused road, and they followed it as it curved north to follow the stream.

At twilight, the forest trek led them to the castle in the forest that belonged to Nasturtium, formerly owned by the father of Esmerelda. Since 160 GUE, Nasturtium had remained dwelling within the castle that was still protected by the time-suspension as well as a spatial-displacement spell (known originally as TRIZBORT, but later plagiarized as SATCHMOZ).

Sunrise picked the gate’s lock with a dagger. A smart-mouthed statue was encountered in the courtyard. The gates closed behind them as it threatened to sound the alarm. Hoping to prevent the emit, they pushed the statue over, (the statue actually thanked them for doing this, as he had been standing on his feet for too long) but this feat was unable to prevent the alarm.

Ignoring it, the three went onward into the castle’s main hall with the doors closing behind them. The moment he entered, Satchmoz became aware of the time-suspension spell that was placed upon the entire structure. As they followed the left corridor, they magically found themselves back in the main hall. The right corridor took them to a room with a spinning wheel. Leaving this room returned them to the main hall once again. The staircase took them to a long upper hallway. The first three rooms had nothing inside, but as they left the fourth room, they yet again returned to the main hall.

It was then that Satchmoz noticed that this castle was additionally enchanted with TRIZBORT, a spell that he had never witnessed before. It had kept kicking them back to the entrance hall, or the library in the upstairs. It was a brilliant piece of magic. He whipped out his infotater and sat down in the middle of the floor. Caspar and Sunrise left Satchmoz to meditate, while they explored the castle, eventually discovered Esmerelda and her cat Meezel. They rejoined with Satchmoz on the main floor, who had “discovered” the workings of TRIZBORT and planned to make it his own spell when he could completely analyze it.

When the three men, Esmerelda and her cat were about to leave the castle, the main doors suddenly disappeared and were replaced with a solid wall. The witch Nasturtium had returned. After a lengthy argument, Nasturtium finally gave in to their pleas and allowed for Esmerelda to depart with the men.  As they left, Nasturtium called behind them, “I told you boys you’d pay for waking her up. Well, you will, too. I’m letting you take her.”

Esmerelda turned out to be an incredibly spoiled, selfish, demanding, complaining woman. She asked one of them to carry her, then chastised them for holding her too sensually. This constant bickering irritated everyone. Esmerelda lead them towards The Red Cock, a nearby inn to the north.

A surmin waddled out on the road and was paralyzed by their torchlight. The three slowly backed away from it, hoping not to startle it into blowing wind. The rodent slowly wandered into the bushes, but despite their extreme caution, Meezel chased after it. Fearing the retribution of the feline’s attack, everyone fled in the opposite direction, but were still unable to escape from being drenched by the extremely powerful stench of the surmin’s flatulence.

The stinking party was not welcomed by the six rough men of The Red Cock, save for Esmerelda whom they were frothing with the desire to rape. When the men came to claim their prize, Satchmoz hexed their shoelaces, and the men tripped, giving leave for the party to escape into the woods.

The men gave chase. Sunrise hit one of the pursuers in the face with a torch, enveloping his beard in flames. When they thought that they had outrun them, Esmerelda ignorantly decided to take a bath in the stream despite wise protesting. This delay was a boon for the brigands to catch up to Esmerelda. Knowing the lust of men, she slyly pretended to seduce him, and when he was enamored enough into believing her gig, she kneed him in the groin. Three more of the men, including the leaders caught up with them. Esmerelda tried to further fight back, but her neck was placed at dagger-point.

Satchmoz FROTZed the brigand leader’s dagger. Believing that it was Nasturtium who cast the spell and that she was after them, all of the remaining brigands fled the scene. Esmerelda showed Satchmoz an AIMFIZ scroll that she had stolen from Nasturtium ages ago. All of the companions joined hands and Satchmoz AIMFIZed the entire group to a brogmoid named Burble at the Wizard’s Guild in Borphee.

While it only seemed that they had been away from Borphee for days, time had progressed differently under the oppression of the enchantments of Mauldwood. Little did they know, but they would be returning to Borphee in the year 668 GUE. The passing of three years was but a few days in the woods. By the time that Caspar, Sunrise, Satchmoz, Esmerelda and Meezel arrived in Borphee, several tunnels (thanks to the magic of the Frobozz Magic Tunneling Company) were already complete, reaching as far south as Mithicus and as far north as the wilds of Thriff and all the way to the Gray Mountains of the Westlands. And more tunnels were under construction.

Everyone was puzzled by the tremendous passage of time that had occurred outside of Mauldwood. The war with Antharia had been fought and won. But what was most perplexing for Satchmoz, was that now that Antharia had been conquered, why had the wizards had not yet returned to the guild? It was still vacant save for the brogmoid Burble, who had been quite confused during their absence. Though Burble belonged to the guildmaster Krepkit, he sadly devoted himself to Satchmoz temporarily since he was the only wizard at the guild. The other members of the party were given separate bedrooms, each with its own bath, which Burble prepared with hot water. Over night, Satchmoz worked at the guild library, writing down the elements of Nasturtium’s TRIZBORT. When he deciphered it, made a few changes, and wrote it on a spell scroll, he entitled the newfound spell SATCHMOZ.

Suddenly, the entire building trembled from the digging of the Frobozz Magic Tunneling Company. Everyone but Esmerelda gathered at the Crystal Room for tea and biscuits. It was then that Esmerelda learned that she had been asleep for almost five-hundred years. After some unsympathetic comments from the men, she left the room angered. The others went to spend time alone.

Satchmoz enchanted the front door with a “rap at the door” in hopes of preventing them from leaving the guild, while he locked himself in the library in an attempt to search for Berknip. Seeking advice, Satchmoz AIMFIZed to a friend at the Shallow Sea. He later returned to the guild hall via another AIMFIZ spell, but he had discovered no new information during his journey. He agreed that the knowledge he sought was within the palace. Esmerelda outlined a bold, though risky, plan to enter the castle. This plan was quickly put into action.

Burble was left at the guild hall as their AIMFIZ anchor. Sunrise sneaked the rest of them (including Meezel) to a secluded park near the palace’s main gate where guards were stationed. While waiting for the proper time to put their plans to action, Meezel aroused Sunrise’s allergies, flinging him into a bout of sneezing that alerted the guards. Before getting all of them caught, Caspar though quick and leapt to his feet impersonating a drunkard. When the guard was reluctant to arrest him for breaking curfew, Caspar kissed him. Thus passage to a personal cell was bought.

Caspar waited in the cell until the rest of the group AIMFIZed to him. Satchmoz REZROVed the lock. While the others left to explore, Satchmoz huddled in the cell as a decoy for Caspar as not to arouse suspicion from a vacant cell. During the esponiage, his companions were detected and returned to the dungeon. As the soldiers stormed the cell and Satchmoz cast AIMFIZ, Meezel leaped at the guards and was left behind.

When they returned to the guild hall, Satchmoz mentioned that while in the cell he had sensed powerful magic being used—his head had been “buzzing like a hornet on a three-day drunk”, as he put it. Sunrise had managed to steal a jeweled belt, silver medallion and a VAXUM scroll from the palace. None of this was of interest to Esmerelda, who unreasonably desired to go back into the palace for her beloved Meezel. 

In the meantime, the palace guards recognized the usage of the party’s magic from their break-in attempt. They equipped themselves to raid the guild. Knowing this was evitable, Satchmoz knew that they could not remain in the guild. They had to flee before the soldiers arrived. To protect the scrolls from being seized, Satchmoz instructed for everyone to fill backpacks with as many of them as possible, while Burble packed provisions. Satchmoz and Caspar additionally each made a copy of the TRIZBORT/SATCHMOZ master scroll that had been recently prepared. The soldiers arrived at the courtyard of the guild and broke down the unlocked doors with a battering ram, then entered. One lone man remained outside. Burble imitated a little whimpering child and the soldier, knowing the immaturity of the brogmoid species, was fooled by this act. Unexpectantly, the soldier was knocked down by Burble and he threw him inside.

Once all of the soldiers were completely inside the guild, Satchmoz cast TRIZBORT/SATCHMOZ upon the guild hall, so that all of them would keep ending up in Krepkit’s bathroom instead of being able to escape. Then the entire party proceeded to escape. But blocking them from leaving was Nasturtium herself. She was agitated because of the shaking caused by the digging of the Great Underground Highway beneath her basement—the entire north tower of her castle had fallen in. She was determined to find those responsible and had followed the tunnel all the way to Borphee. She joined the group as they fled the courtyard to an old warehouse near the wharves. 

After Nasturtium realized that Satchmoz’s SATCHMOZ looked exactly like her TRIZBORT, they all agreed to reenter the palace. This time Nasturtium would be the anchor for AIMFIZ. She flew into the courtyard on her broom and used a powerful spell to put all of the guards on the exterior of the palace to sleep. She saved an additional one for the soldiers still within. When they had given her plenty of time to properly complete her deeds, Satchmoz AIMFIZed them to her position inside the palace.

Once inside the palace, Nasturtium magically put more guards to sleep. Satchmoz was highly impressed with the magical ability of the ugly witch. Without anyone noticing when she left, Esmerelda went in search of Meezel. A low laugh rumbled out of the darkness—someone knew that they were there.

A corridor that they found gradually descended to an abandoned torture chamber deep below the palace. Another low laugh vibrated through the air as they followed the passage beyond that descended lower and lower underground. It was then that the party realized that the source of the laughter was a single pursuing grue. The rumor that all grues had been eradicated by Entharion the Wise caused this encounter to be startling. 

To keep the grue at bay, Caspar plucked a few broom straws from Nasturtium’s previously FROTZed broom and flicked them into the darkness. A straw was dropped every twenty paces or so to keep the grue away as the party continued onward. Without warning, the tunnel suddenly sloped download like a slide. They all tumbled into a node with several tunnels leading from it and with a huge crystal door.

The FROTZ spell on the broom died, plunging them all into complete darkness. The grue fell into the node with them. Burble went after the grue but was instantly swatted away. In retaliation, Nasturtium FROTZed the grue. Before their horrified eyes, the maddened beast ran about chaotically with pain-wracked roaring, pounding on the walls while its fur and flesh were consumed by the light. All that remained was a black smoking crumbled mass.

Pseudo-Duncanthrax appeared in the chamber, enraged by the death of his pet grue. But before anyone could assault him, he VAXUMed the entire group, forcing them to become adoring subjects. Now that they were all subjected, Pseudo-Duncanthrax opened the great crystal door with a touch of his wand.

Esmerelda in the meantime had found Meezel in the dungeon, who had been terrorizing the guards. She suddenly dropped in from one of the chutes. Unable to stop her momentum, she knocked Pseudo-Duncanthrax over. A harsh word from him broke the VAXUM enchantment. The king tried to escape into the crystal room, but Meezel dropped in from above and landed on his back. His cloak was torn off, but using his wand, he escaped through a hidden door that locked behind him and Drespo Molmocker, impersonator of Duncanthrax, slipped from the pages of history forever.

A search of through Pseudo-Duncanthrax’s cloak revealed KATPI, VAXUM and PLASTO scrolls in the cloak (as well as a small key ring, bottle opener, 2 zorkmids, 1 zorkle, 4 lint balls).
They passed through the crystal door into the Great Underground Highway, and came to a place where hundreds of men, woman, and children were making mortar for the highway’s roadbed. The real King Duncanthrax in amongst this group, that had all been ensorcelled by Pseudo-Duncanthrax’s VAXUM. An outburst of anger at Duncanthrax from the party instantly broke the VAXUM spell. Burble went around whispering naughty words into people’s ears to break each individual’s enchantment.

Satchmoz realized that the entire group could not return the way they had come, but believed that he could use TRIZBORT/SATCHMOZ to transport everyone home. Satchmoz told everyone present, including Burble, to concentrate on their homes for the enormous amount of presence that would be required by the spell. Everyone chanted “There’s no place like home” while Satchmoz cast the spell. Everyone was transported back to their respective homes. This event of returning home is known today as “The Great Magic.” The spell scrolls that they left within the tunnels were scattered, and would begin to show up all over the kingdom for centuries to come. 

A debate was quickly held in the Borphee Royal Palace on what was to be done with the tunnels. Satchmoz was appointed as the court wizard, and at his urging, the decision was made to complete them. The idea was that it was good to link all of the great cities of Quendor with one massive road system. The cost would be offset by selling space on the walls to merchants who wished to advertise their business. It was also considered what should be done with the province that Pseudo-Duncanthrax had conquered. As long as Antharia belonged to Quendor, Duncanthrax intended to keep it. All of the lesser wizards of the guild, including Berknip were freed from their imprisonment on the island.

When Berknip returned with the wizards to the Borphee Guild two days after the Great Magic, Meezel’s hair grew back over the bald spots and the broken ear was straightened by their help. Satchmoz was pampered by the rescued enchanters, although Krepkit was sour. First of all, the guildmaster was embarrassed about being tricked and captured by Drespo Molmocker. Second, he was not happy that Satchmoz, a supposedly minor wizard, saved him, or that Drespo Molmocker managed to make a clean getaway. Third, some of the other wizards were pressuring him to give up his bathroom, since someone told him how much Satchmoz loved the big bathtub.  The now famed magician was in love with Nasturtium and had plans to see her again in the near future. Nasturtium had not had a date in four-hundred years and Satchmoz had never had one. What could have been more perfect?

In the years to follow, Satchmoz wrote countless memoirs which still survive to this day. He additionally conspired with C. Agrippa and became a heretical alchemist. He was later buried at the Steppinthrax Monastery, where his tomb remains to this day.